IwishIwasbeautiful. x_x *sigh*




SO RIDING! 8D First riding lesson was ACE. I wanted a private lesson for the very first one, just to get a little bit of confidence, and loved it. I was so excited and it was definitely not an anticlimax. At all.
I rode a horse called Coco, who was big and quiet and LAZY. xDD

Started off with mounting, obviously - a little tricky for me since I'm short and weak, but I managed it. Then there was the slightly scary bit where I tried to find my balance (I have really bad balance, so I've heard) and Coco started violently shaking. I was like O___O until I found out it was just a fly bothering her. xD Then we did some simple walking, then moved up to a sitting trot on the longe-line (is that the right spelling? XD) and then had a few minutes trying the rising trot! (: The instructor, Rachel, seemed really impressed and said I had very natural posture and balance. ^^ And I LOVED IT SO MUCH. Next lesson will be in a small group so I'm a little bit more nervous about that (I'll be trumped by these little seven-year-old girls!) but still really excited.

OH YEAH. And I've heard good things about Inglorious Basterrrrrds~ Of course it's the usual bloody Tarantino affair, so I predict an 18 certificate which I will NOT get into. xD But still. There will be DVDs!

And listening to Coma Girl makes me feel like myself and alive and good. <3
Everyone should listen to it.
And this entire album. Arms Aloft is almost as good. (:

 Just to update anyone who read the last journal, the ratboys are doing really well. (: <33

Viva Teatro was amazing. At the beginning of the trip to Spain I was hating it and wanting to go home, but then I made really good friends with all the English kids and some of the Spanish (RICHARD AND ALBERTO AND JESUS AND TANIA AND ANA FTW 8D!) and didn't want to leave. xD Some of the awesome Toynbee kids include Katrina, Kim (who now has an Italian cat named after her), Mary, Katie, David and Shannerrbubs! We're having a barbeque at Katrina's today which sounds like a real laugh, then the girls are sleeping round after. Exciiiiteeeeed.

But before. The barbeque.
Laura.
Is going.
TO RIDE A FREAKING HORSE OH YES BELIEVE IT I AM INSANELY EXCITED.
AHHHHHHHH!!!11!11111!1!!!1

My moods have been up and down. The 'zac is helping, but sometimes there are bad days. Yesterday at break I was crying by myself in frustration. By drama my mood had rocketed. And today I feel 100% amazing.

There is hope, my lovelies. Keep on keeping on. (: <33

Just thought I'd ramble about Frankrat in the ten minutes before we leave for dinner.

We noticed on monday that he was limping and had a lump near his damaged foot (lumps make me panic - one of our last rats eventually died due to tumors). Got to the vet on wednesday, where his abscess burst (at least it wasn't a tumor I suppose x_x) and oozed puss everywhere. :/ The vet agreed that he'd damaged his sort of ankle instead of his actual leg or foot, then requested that we come in the next day for an x-ray. The bone isn't damaged and his foots gradually getting better, so we don't really know what it was...

Anyway, he has twice daily doses of Hibiscrub (pink stuff to rub on his abscess wound) and Baytril (which tastes vile and has to be given to him soaked into bread). He takes it all surprisingly well.

Right, gotta gooo. *pushes Morris off mouse and signs out*
Ciao!

( Ramblings about languages )

And today, I feel the worst that I've felt in... a while. I thought it was getting better, but it comes and goes. I need to be doing things. Maybe tonight I'll set myself a schedule and set my alarm for tomorrow and grumble all the way through that schedule. At first I thought that school was tearing me apart, but it's not. It's holding me together. It gives me a distraction, a motivation, and it gives me people. I have to brush my teeth and wash my hair and get dressed and go out somewhere and frown at maths questions because I have to go to school. I've even started looking forwards to school. We're starting a new thing in drama, and film club started last week (we watched Donnie Darko, it was boss).

And then I get to the weekend and enjoy freely playing Pokemon for about an hour and then slump into hideous depression. I've considered explaining it to a friend so that they can recognise when I'm avoiding people and doing nothing and motivate me to do something, but I don't want to put that responsibility on them. It's not really fair, is it? Maybe I'll ask Luke if he'll help me plan this sleepover... Oh yeah. So, mum said I could have a sleepover in the half term and invite Luke and Dale. I was excited about a sleepover, but Dale has really been getting on my nerves recently (she started talking about nervous breakdowns in English and I lashed out at her - I stand by what I did because it pisses me off when people are so blissfully ignorant of the conditions they go on and on about (OCD is the WORST for people doing stuff like that) actually I want to talk about that). *skips out of brackets* There will be swearing~

( I ranted off on a tangent and it got so long that I had to put it behind a cut. ^^; )Um. Yeah. I was talking about my sleepover, right? xD So I wasn't going to invite Dale, but I thought I'd invite Dottie (we have loads in common - we're both vegetarian, for a start, and were bitching about some 'hilarious' joke Dale'd posted on Facebook about how vegetarian was ancient tribal slang for the idiots that couldn't hunt or fish. so I asked her what the name was for the stupid idiot who could ONLY hunt and fish and died of heart disease - seriously, I have NOTHING wrong with other people eating meat because I would if, for example, I caught food with a bird of prey, but if you start being an ignorant dick about my diet I'm gonna come right back at you with some facts) and Carly (also have a lot in common - we're both massive film geeks, for a start. I still need to lend her my Hitchcock collection x3 and we got lost at a college media thing the other day looking for the film studies, lol, and then we got dragged into a photoshop workshop and were like HOW DO WE LEAVE and it was really funny). So I might say to Luke, "hey, I've been feeling bad recently and it makes me want to shut myself away, but that is REALLY bad for me, so would be help me plan this sleepover? it'd motivate me and help out a lot" or something like that. He likes to talk about stuff with me but he's a guy, so emotional things aren't really part of that 'stuff'. I think making it something practical will help out. Good idea? I'm really looking forward to this. Luke, Dottie and Carly are AWESOME and I haven't had a good party/sleepover for ages.

I still feel sort of shitty today but I have plans for tomorrow so I feel a little better about that. Being able to plan and take small actions makes me feel amazing like you wouldn't believe.

 

I love this cartoon almost as much as I hate writing bullshit English essays that nobody cares about. (:

I should be writing one of said essays at this very moment, however I start reading on of my teachers notes - let's say "Need to link this to question and compare with what Agard does". In my mind, it is read like this: "need to link to question and blah blah blah". I need to link points made in the second poem to points made in the first. But I can't think of any that link up. And I don't know how to link them. 

This is so frustrating that I'm actually tearing up. URGH I fucking hate English so much. They want you to write utter bullshit, they really do. But they want you to write THEIR bullshit, which you have to be a fucking mindreader to figure out.

Oh. My.

Rat kittens are too cute. They're like tiny little moles. :3

Went to see Brock college yesterday. The film studies looked amazing. The teacher we met was so much fun, he wore an ET T-shirt and went on about how amazing Rear Window was with references to Disturbia and The Simpsons (I really have to watch that, I'm sure I have it somewhere...) and the walls were COVERED in film posters. One wall had this huge spread from Empire about lots of different directors, which was really cool and that I don't remember at all. o: In the course there's an essay you have to write about a film, and in Brock they let you choose whatever film you'd like to do.
8D
Admittedly the History rooms looked a little grim, but I liked the place. It has a nice atmosphere and surrounding area. (:

And thanksx100 to Rachie for letting me know about the new Blue October album. o: I'm not sure how much I like it. Further listening is required. (;

Right, must dash. Must do the boys' water before I rush off to school Mum's on a course so I'm getting a taxi into school today (yeah I'm lazy whatever, the last taxi guy was telling me how lazy I was for not walking but whatever, it takes me nearly an hour and I need my beauty sleep xP). Ciao bbz. <3

...So. Anyone see Best: His Mother's Son last night? The accents were pretty poor (duh, it's "noh-thin'", not "nuh-thing") but it was still really cool. It was sad though. Every time somebody said "no, this is really it, I'm totally changing my ways for the better now!" you had about ten seconds of hope before they went back on it. And I couldn't tell you how accurate it was, but it seemed fairly accurate. I mean, they said at the beginning that they'd changed a few things here and there but you have to for dramatization.

...

And Tom Payne was really pretty in it. Even though he can't play football. Or do a Belfast accent. I mean, I can't do either of those things, so who am I to judge?
...
;D <333

Right. Better go off to pack my school bag now. ):

 Erghrgh. XD The new issue of Empire has shorted out my brain. Firstly, I glimpse somebody talking about dwarf rabbits and my mind instantly jumps to Guillermo del Toro and Peter Jackson working on The Hobbit. Then somebody says "chop chop" and I jump over to Donner calling "hip hop hip hop!" on the set of the Goonies.

DDD:

Cannot take anymoooore.
Nobody mention beards. xD

Oh but. The Mastermind thing this month was Tarantino. And bloody HELL can he talk. xD Every answer is bubbly and insane and full of unnecessary cursing. (: He's currently topping the leaderboard, with 9 out of 10. The only one he got wrong was about when he was in a Muppets thing (xD?) and he was going on and on about how they totally put that one in just because he was way too good and it wasn't fair because it "wasn't my Universe!" He does make me laugh.
And I loved the Spielberg Q&A thing. Simon Pegg and Nick Frost are both his favourites. ;D
And the Jack Nicholson interview about Stanley Kubrick.
...
xD <3 Loved it.
ALSO THE WOMAN WHO DIRECTED TWILIGHT WAS REALLY INTERESTING. o: And is apparently linked to a Maximum Ride film, ooh.

(And shut up, spellcheck, erghrgh is so a word (pronounced URR-gh-hur, obviouslyyy!)

But anyway! I was struck with a bit of inspiration and so I'm randomly writing things in a notebook for the story I'd love to create (it has a fairy on it 8D). It probably won't make sense to many people, if not anyone, but I like to peer into other peoples' bizarre musings and so maybe you'd like the chance to peer into mine. Currently it reads:

C5 - faces
 We are pre-programmed to recognise faces - even when they aren't there.
*prejudice + fear, determination to see what you want to see
*the human condition, we think the same, equality

 "You know (staring at a 'face') humans are programmed to see faces. People see Jesus everywhere. And Elvis. All because they want to see them."
 "You know all of this crap, yet you can't master basic maths?"
 "... What? What are you talking about? There are no faces in maths!"
 "... My mistake."

And then I started rambling about Eagle (argh! he needs a name so badly! but it's frustrating, it's like "his name can be... NO! what a STUPID name! his name is freakin' Eagle!" but like. he would have had a name before. D: *probably doesn't make any sense at all to anyone who doesn't know the basic Clockwork plot*).
But at the minute I'm finding him interesting. Luke and I watched Stand By Me today (for like the millionth time, lololol - we were singing songs from it all day so he decided he'd come over and watch it. we had popcorn. 8D it was good) and it sort of struck me how you forget they're kids. Weirdly I got on to this train of thought because some people were discussing Ben from Lost on TDF, and how one minute he's shallow and you want to throttle him and then next he's interesting and moving and deep. And when I was watching Stand By Me today I was thinking about that, like... Well, tbh, I'm just gonna talk about Teddy 'cause he's my favourite. xD "What are you, cracked? Mighty Mouse is a CARTOON. Superman is a REAL GUY. There's no way a cartoon could beat up a real guy!" and "Yeah, by the time we get there the kid won't even be dead anymore". Seriously, that's way better than anybody else in the entire ANYWAY SO. In the beginning he is... pretty much the slightly irritating one, I think. His laugh is irritating. He apparently has a death wish. And he spits on Vern (which I actually find hilarious every time I watch it, but I seem to be the only one). But then evil junkyard man (his name's like Milo or something? - I keep thinking of Miley Cyrus and it isn't helping) makes fun of his dad and MAKES HIM CRY. D:
And it just sort of brings it home that for all these kids dick around, they're just kids.
And I think that's interesting. Isn't it?

That reminds me.
I need to chat to Lou about Ty. o: Because there are some interesting things I want to discuss with her.
And Ryn about Alli.
xD <3 Sometimes I think I love them more than I love my characters, because they're the ones I wouldn't think of, but are fascinating and fresh and new to me.
So guys. o: Do get in touch. <3

 Oh, my sincerest apologies! I'd forgotten how this entire forum was created to revolve around you and your pointless whining.

The Sound Off threads are just awesome though, I think.

Going to see Brock today, hopefully. (: <3

my skeletal mind
instincts ingrained into bone
and a hollow self

detached from the world
no past, present or future
musings of a ghost

I should really tell you about my holiday to Scotland, but really there is little to tell. It was a relaxing interlude, however since we started the journey there the thought of food has made me feel sick, even when I'm hungry. My concentration became so poor that I would often drift away from a conversation, then be dragged back and stare questioningly at my mother who would repeat her previous statement as a question, to which I would nod in agreement. We visited Our Dynamic Earth and Rosslyn Chapel, which were charming, and that's all I really have to say on them. I also got a massage, which was pleasant enough.

The accents there were so beautiful. When my mother and I spoke, I winced. I long for the accent I used to have - thick Belfast that few people here could understand. The more time goes on, the more I despise England - or, at least, the part of it I'm living in. Or perhaps just that I have to live here. When I think of going home, I do not think of my bed and my room and the house I live in. I think of Ardoyne. While my dad laughed over stories of gunshots and bomb scares and soldiers in the street, I longed to be home. Properly home. When we're asked about where we live, I grumble and my mother frowns and tries to tell people how soulless and dull Southampton is. When I think of it, I just think of grey buildings in the rain, surrounded by dodgy young teenage boys who think they're all that. When I think of Belfast, I think of grey buildings in the background of a hum of pleasant community. Belfast is no longer a home to me, though. It's a home to my family, who I love dearly, and many people who live there. But now my accent is posh and English and when I'm there I so desperately want to tell everyone "I was born here! don't treat me like an outsider!" But I am an outsider now. It's in my mannerisms and my proper ways of thinking and speaking and dressing, it's in my house and my hair and it's frustrating.

I can't wait to move away from here.
I keep telling people.
Maybe I'll find a home in Bournemouth.
I don't know how likely it is, but it'll tide over this feeling for a while. I think.
There are some roads I see almost every day. There must be some people, I think, who feel the same thrum of life in these streets as they do in themselves. But I'm out of beat, out of step, and it's tripping me in every way it can.
This place that made me an outsider in my hometown isn't allowing me to be an insider in the place I live. I feel like I've been locked out, like I've missed something important.

These ramblings are pretty inane, hm?
I think perhaps I should stop and go to bed.
I'm tired and hungry and sick and I ache.

Ohyeah.
I'm going to the Priory on Tuesday. I have to take my parents. I can't decide whether I'm scared or not.

Just thought I'd give you a bit of an update. Uhh...

Ooh, the rats. I should probably rant about them in my rat journal but oh well. xD Okay, firstly, went to a rat show yesterday and got a bale of new substrate (finacard, shredded cardboard) and a pink sputnik (this) for them. I put the sputnik in and I'm cleaning the cage out today so I get to use the new substrate! (:
Uhm... Ooh, my Fuzzbutt things came today - a corner hammock and a big square hammock-y thing. I'm not sure if they'll use them because they're madly in love with their igloo but hopefully over time they're grow to love them. (:

There's a hole in my hand. D: It goes to the vein. Stupid blood test. The woman couldn't find a good enough vein in my arm (oh noes, how will I ever take heroin?!) so she used my hand. It hurt like hell. x_e I'm half hoping that I actually have anemia just so there was some point to me getting that stupid blood test.

Resident Evil 5 came yesterday. It's AMAZING. 8D Co-op is awesome (run out of bullets and health? no problem! run and hide behind your buddy and let them shoot the insane zombies while you desperately try and find a herb lying around!) and it's genuinely pretty. After you've gone HOLY CRAP WTF IS THAT THING D:?!, you have to go oooh it's so interesting and cool looking @_@ because everything IS. And while it is a challenge, it's not overly frustrating. Deaths are just a chance for you to revise your strategy and swap items before going for it again, and even when you are killed, it's difficult to be annoyed. You WANT to try again. There was a really difficult level in a small village when there were swarms of violent (and difficult to kill) enemies (I hesitate to say zombies because... they aren't really dead) and we died probably about 8 times. Every time we died, we'd shout out a frustrated "augh nooo D:" but then you can't help but smile because, as stupid as it sounds, you get to do it again. It's fun, and when you're in the challenge with the person sat next to you it can become hilarious. So if you're into that sort of thing, it's an awesome game and go for it. O:

Uhmmm... I've been thinking about making a fursona for myself. O: I want a ratsona. But I also sort of wanted a hairless ratsona, which people seem to go AUGH NO SERIOUSLY at, so I might just... not. xD But I keep saying I want to and then realising I have no drawing skills, so don't hold your breath.

And just because, ask the OCs! 8D If you can remember any of them. Hurhur. D:
( under the cut, o'course )

Oh yes! And happy nearly-St. Patrick's Day. (: I dunno if we'll do anything tomorrow. I might get my mum to make green muffins with me. xD For a laugh.

( 'cause i'm not who i used to be )

I want to sit up through the night making LJ posts and writing poems that nobody else wants to read.
Because that matters more to me than poetry essays and german coursework and blood tests.

LJ just deleted my really long journal entry.

Mum's nagging me to do everything I should be doing. I say fuck it.
She said she'd help me tidy my room after Countryfile. I'm putting up a sign on her door telling her to piss off and going back to bed.

Later I'll probably care that I'm being a huge bitch, but right now I'm tired and I just can't clean the fucking bathroom or anything.

):
Both of my fish fry have died.
Yesterday Hugh Laurie, today Stephen Fry.
I think the new fish brought a disease with them in the water. ;.;

Sleep tight, little guys. <3 I hope you had a nice life in the short time you had. I think you did. You never had the stress of moving around. You always had a nice big tank.

): I'm so upset about this.

I'm getting more platies next time I go to the shop.

Also I have STUPID media coursework and whenever I try to start it... I just can't. D: I just. can't.
My head hurts and my mind goes blank and I'm left staring at the screen muttering "okay, institutions, institutions". Doesn't help that I have another Knowledge And Understanding essay to do, as well as a stupid fucking English essay that sir didn't even explain to me.

This really pissed me off. I was off sick for three days, got back and in our English lesson we did a quiz that had nothing to do with English. Then I found out I had to do the Shakespeare essay over the half term and I had no fucking clue what I was meant to be doing for it.

Ergh.

Also, as time goes on I feel more and more depressed to the point that I don't want to do anything at all. I feel detached from the world. Everything seems far away and foggy and pointless. I don't care. It's a tough feeling. Everything seems like a huge task requiring so much effort. I'm so tired, despite sleeping more than usual. And my head... My head is KILLING me.

Apparently this doesn't qualify as urgent, so before I can see a doctor I have to sit through another week of school, getting frustrated at Dale when she asks if I'm okay and hugs me and struggling through every lesson. I wouldn't be surprised if I turned up to matron's at breaktime on monday just because I can't DO it. I can't sit through school anymore. The effort it takes kills me, and my head... My head aches so badly.

*sigh* I'm utterly wrecked.

( Laughter. ) Not even sure. I was just sort of messing around. I haven't written in a while and I enjoy it. I'm told I should write more, and I promised Lou and Rach some pieces of writing, so I though I'd stretch my literary fingers.

And now I have to go and clean the car. But it's late, and getting dark. Maybe I won't.